Come Dine With Me 4th edition

Is it possible that so much time has passed since that fateful night long ago in the spectacularly decorated Oktoberfest beer hall (aka 1 Salem Rd)? Yet how could any one of us forget the tragedy of 1 November 2009, and the grief that ensued.

Where my heart once was, a hollowness now lies. The throbbing ache of emptiness within my chest is a daily reminder of my failure, a pain so excruciating at first, that I have had to wait for the wounds to mend and the pain to subside before I could bring myself to write this Newsletter out of fear that I would be unable to hold back the tears and therefore be reduced to a sobbing mess.

So here it is, a reminder and description of what, in my opinion, was the greatest Come Dine With Me event of all – scored last because as Mark and I were stuck in the kitchen we were unable to woo the dinner party guests with our witty humour and charming personalities…

I present below the unbiased and truthful account of that tragic night.

As the German Oompa band’s Oktoberfest music filled the great halls. Frau Heidi and Herr Hans greeted the guests with a spirited “Wilkommen” and a shot of Jaegger.

Hefeweissen beers were brought out to wash down the pretzels, radishes, and cheeses laid out for the guests. Meanwhile, Hans and Heidi worked frantically in the kitchen to finish preparing the starter – a delicious salad, exciting the tastebuds but not fully satiating them, leaving them to cry out for more.

In a cruel twist, the next course was delayed. Unbeknownst to the guests, the chicken schnitzel was not cooking fast enough and the crappy frying pans we were attempting to use were blackening the chicken. Manning frying pans on all burners and busting out the ol’ reliable George Forman grill, Hans cooked as Heidi manically scrubbed each pan before it was reused until her fingernails bled and her wrist could scrub no more.

Alas, the effort was well worth it, noted by the murmurs of approval and nods of the heads of the guests. Unfortunately, it was quickly realised that plastic silverware + chicken schnitzel = inability to cut the large pieces of meat, however even the most intelligent people can not foresee all problems.

But then the grand finale came…Hans’ amazing Apple Streudal – a stunning success given the fact that this was his first attempt. So good in fact, that Alistair and Dave both thought it store bought. The Streudal quickly brought everyone’s tastebuds to a climax – and then suddenly people were stripped of all energy and intelligent thought. Everyone’s minds in a foggy wave of bliss, the guests could not think straight as they went, one by one, to the laptop to input their score for the evening’s meal and entertainment.

We then grabbed our sacrificial lamb, Mike, to announce the results. I felt confidant, exuberant, and excited as Mike read off fourth place – US??! But how could this be? Our food was excellent! Our theme unique! And our entertainment thrilling! I could barely hear the rest as Mike droned on…and the devastation set in – I, Frau Heidi, was last!! How could that be?

Although it was of no surprise when Faith and Kiran turned out to be the winners – I mean who can beat heart- shaped sweet potatoes??

And that, ladies and gentlemen, damen and herren, was the last night of Come Dine With Me.

I hope you all enjoyed Series 1 as much as I did, and I look forward to Series 2: Sunday roasts just as much!! – rules and guidelines to be issued shortly

Sincerely,
Your faithful ‘Come Dine With Me’ Correspondent

Frau Heidi