Flatmate Wanted

So, while many of you have moved on, married, purchased homes, established families and left the student lifestyle, I, after living in my own flat in Zurich for the last two years, have somehow reverted back to it.

Turning down the firm’s offer of a relocation agent, I set out looking for a flatshare. Besides, the reality of the situation, to be honest, is that I would not have been able to afford my own place anyway. Managing a jet-setting, fine-dining, and pub drinking lifestyle without a rich husband, lucrative job, or large inheritance, I have discovered, can be a bit financially draining.

And so after viewing one too many shoeboxes and meeting “interesting” people, I have found myself a home at 1 Salem Road.

My new family consists of two Englishmen, and two females; one Aussie, and the other American/Aussie, all 29 or 30, except me, 26 (the baby of the household).

The Aussie culture dominates, largely in part to the fact that all the flatmates, excluding myself, have lived some time in Sydney. Not to mention the honorary flatmate Mark, the Aussie’s brother and a mainstay at our household who we let hang out so long as he bakes his amazing cookies, helps balance out the nationality numbers.

Sadly enough, as one quickly discovers soon after moving here, regardless of how much you make, one can only helplessly watch as the bank account rapidly drops, along with their quality of life.

For mainly this reason, as well as the available opportunities presented in the Emerging Markets countries, we are about to lose one of our Englishmen to Dubai. Here is his proposed posting in search of a flatmate replacement (American translation below):


Room available in shared house in a pretty area of West London.

House is currently used as a breeding ground for anti-English sentiment and as the West London branch of the International Fellowship of Boguns.

The room is large and spacious and decorated to the highest standards in Victorian England. Let yourself wake up gently to the dawn chorus of ancient central heating pipes cranking up.

Apart from the well-established family of mice, you will be sharing with 4 others. Opposite is Shannon ' totally' Riley who is lesser-spotted and often works away from home - which works for her as she still hasn’t seen her bedroom floor for all her clothes! On the penthouse is Lozza 'Ozzy Ozzy Ozzy' Mclaughlin, and Lauen 'nocturnal' Darby who is often to be found stumbling in at ungodly hours - and when she is in, she is usually deleting blokes numbers from her phone to stop it from overheating. Last but not least, James 'Shagger' Adams on the ground floor is never far away from a Brazillian (or two).......

We have a cleaner, who is a cross between Clondike Kate and hulk hogan, and who appears as and when she fancies. She is specially trained in the removal of the tortoise-shell staining that is omnipresent in the back of both of our toilets and so uses industrial strength bleach that could bring you out in a rash with bulbous eyes. The lounge is spacious and cosy. In the winter it has been known to reach a cosy 4oC inside and so is perfect for long winter evenings in front of the fridge. We also have a lovely garden and patio area, however, be warned about the bogbrush.....

Please come back to Steve 'irreplacable' Dyson to arrange viewings. Preference is for a big strapping copper-bottomed, hairy-arsed Australian, ideally broad-shouldered and hung like a shire horse. Viewings will be arranged over the weekend of April 26th when we will have our second party in Salem Road.......

What do ya reckon??


NO SERIOUSLY - it is a fun place to live - with nice people.........X


American Translation:

“shared house”- polite way of saying 5 bedroom, 1 ½ bath house

“pretty area of West London”- area the English fondly refer to as where all the “posh foreigners” live if they even know where this area is let alone have ventured out of it from Clapham (south of Thames)

“Bogun”- Aussie equivalent of “white trash.”

“highest standards of Victorian England”- really old house, stained carpet, cracked walls, but is still standing, amazingly enough

“Shagger”—come on’ do I really need to explain this one? You’ve seen Austin Powers haven’t you?

Anyone know someone looking for a flat in London that wouldn’t mind joining our lovely, close-knit and slightly dysfunctional family of children reaching the age of 30?